I lay naked on the shower floor, naked, flooded with tears of excruciating pain. This time I’d reached out in a hurry to get moving that morning. I was squeegeeing the shower glass, when my back went out! This was the feeling all too familiar over the past years since early motherhood.

One of the worst occurrences had been just a couple of months after my youngest daughter was born. I was reaching for a diaper sitting on the floor when it slipped. I remember trying to get up but I couldn’t move at all, the pain was more than I could bare. After having gone through two cesarean sections I couldn’t believe this kind of pain even existed. It was Christmas Eve and all of my dreams of a happy family Christmas with my two beautiful babies were quickly destroyed. I lay flat on my back for over a week, before I could walk normally again. Doctors couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me. They kept saying it was my sciatic nerve probably caused from pregnancy, the epidural or wearing high heels and working as a hairstylist all of my life.

I was cursed to think this could continue to happen to me, at anytime anywhere. And it did, usually for some unknown reason in the month of August! Sometimes it would just be a tolerable pain, sciatica with numbness in my leg and foot. Other times it was completely debilitating and left me in need of help getting dressed and even using the bathroom. I suffered silently because I felt like my pain was a burden on others in my life. I was embarrassed and ashamed that I was weak.

When the girls were little our marriage was in, what I called phase two. The time where we had long stretches of happy family time. I would make the most of every day, often burning the candle at both ends. Never forgetting to give gratitude for the joy and love the girls brought to both of us, but feeling often like they were all I had to live for. I would more than not, keep my pain to myself.I didn’t want the people I loved to suffer too. It taught me a way of coping that made me feel like I was on an island alone, never understanding why I had this cross to bare. I believed there must be a reason. I just couldn’t think of what it must be. As if I’ve done something to deserve it or as if it were my “lot in life.”

As the years went on my clients who suffered from chronic pain became my confidants. They helped open my heart to possibilities of find a solution for my pain so that I never succumbed to taking pain killers. Many of them knew my family history of addiction and my years with al-anon. Along with their support and guidance I kept studying mindfulness and trying to find a way to ease my pain and feel supported in life. I sought out the teachings of Louise Hay and discovered many of the other authors at Haye House publishing. I learned to be in the present moment by following Eckhart Tolle and studying his works in “ The Power of Now” and “A New Earth.” I was finally learning that I was a soul having a human experience, not trapped by this body. If I pursued observing nature deeply I would see that all I had to do was what felt right in the moment . Feel gratitude and I would feel a oneness with my inner being.

Over the years at times, even though I felt more self love, I’d to slip into the darkness of the pain and feel worthless again. One day in my desperation, I searched for help from God and the universe. I found myself in a random Barnes & Noble in Woodland Hills, perusing the isles of self-help books. I was led to one in particular, as it practically jumped out at me from the shelf. It was titled “Living in the light” by Shakti Gawain. I spent the rest of the afternoon reading the book cover to cover sobbing as I turned each page. I realized AGAIN that I carried a lot of crap since childhood and it had led me to my broken marriage and the feeling of being a burden, that I had carried all my life. In the marriage I actually felt like a child at times when he would reprimand me for something stupid I had done. It was the simplest thing from forgetting to turn something off, like the coffee pot or reminding him the car was low on gas, before we left on our way somewhere. I can’t even count how many events we are attending fully pissed off at each other. Putting on a fake smile for friends and family and even in our workplace, became a normal way of life for me.

Reading this book shifted something in me that day, it honestly worked miracles for me and I found the courage to eventually leave my marriage. But not for several more years of suffering and awakening, suffering and awakening, the cycle continued. After all I was human and fighting my own ego, as we all are. It was after a couple more years of baby steps, self care and growing self love practices that I vowed to let go of my limited beliefs, that I was unworthy of real love and joy. I still don’t know how but I found the courage to plan my escape from the marriage and make a new life for myself and our girls. I was finally free… so how did I end up on the shower floor again all these years later, why had this still been happening to me every August?

As I crawled from the shower to my bed I never dreamed it would be eight days later, that I would be wheeled into the hospital, by my then fiance’, unable to walk or sit for more than a few minutes at a time. Again it was the usual routine…Exam, x-ray, epidural, muscle relaxers, prescription for physical therapy. Rest at home, translate, “ Be a worthless piece of shit for the next two weeks.” At least that’s how I heard it from the doctor. I thought of physical therapy as, something for “old” people. I gave myself a week in bed, walked “crooked,” as my kids called it, to go to the bathroom and went right back to bed.

One day lying there feeling more worthless than I’d ever felt, broken, I asked God, “Why is this happening to me?” Loud and clear I heard a voice in my head say “You need to stop, slow down, and ask for HELP!” I remember cringing at the thought of it. Translate “Be a lazy bloodsucking loser who can’t make shit happen for themselves!” In that moment I remembered the book, “ Living in the light,” I need to be more supportive of myself, I thought. What would Shakti Gawain, Louise Hay or Wayne Dyer say to me right now? Furthermore, If I were speaking to my girls what dialogue would I use? Certainly one less harsh and critical. I started to shift my own relationship with myself. I focused on thoughts and beliefs that were helpful to me and I asked myself if the negative thoughts were even true. I had also found the works of Byron Katie and started realizing that everything I had ever thought needed to be questioned. How had I gotten so off track again? I knew it was life, showing up, ready to teach me a deeper level of understanding about something. I knew I needed help again to get back on track with my journey of self love.

I walked into the physical therapy office later that week. I remember meeting the doctor for the first time and telling her that I was here to finally solve the reason why my back was going out and causing me so much excruciating pain every August. She looked at me and said “you wouldn’t believe it is this simple, but I could tell by the way you were walking when you came in here, what I think your problem is.” She asked me if I had done a lot of high impact aerobics when I was young or running. Truth was I had grown up doing high impact and step aerobics and even teaching it for many years. I told her I also had two children and work as a hairstylist standing all of my life. She had me walk back-and-forth went over several different stretches with me and gave me bands and exercises to do at home. I continue to see her for the next few months as I got stronger and finally learned the words sacroiliac joint! So as it turned out I actually had a physical problem something that I could tangibly understand as a diagnosis, not seeking the proper help had caused most of my suffering.

The lesson I learned is that by not believing I was worthy, I suffered all of those years unnecessarily, instead of going to seek the help I needed. The truth is, that day on the shower floor, I almost couldn’t face another battle with the pain and I asked God to let me die, if I was going to have to suffer this way. I felt a rush of shame wash over me for being so weak…just then I caught myself and sobbing, what I really knew was, and I yelled out, raising my arms above my head ,”I WANT TO LIVE,” I just needed a little HOPE.

Crawling from that shower I asked for forgiveness for my death wish, for in that moment I had allowed myself to become the victim, instead of the student. I really wanted to live. I really wanted to be strong and feel supported.

Now, knock on wood, it’s been quite a few August’s to report… keeping the protocols in place I’m happy to be pain free! My love and blessings are sent to all those suffering from chronic pain. My prayer is for all people to end their suffering and seek the HELP and loving support they need. It will be a life long journey, but I’m hear to say we’re worth it. monixo