The lesson I learned about envy when I was just eighteen years old, was later verified by the universe. I like to call it, the truth about envy. You see, ENVY tells you the truth about what you really want.

Growing up very poor, didn’t afford us many nice clothes or shoes, or anything that wasn’t absolutely necessary. Many of my clients have heard my story of the Neon Yellow sneakers I once insisted on getting when it was “Shoe shopping time”. I had to have them because they had the Nike label. I swore they made me run faster.

After all the years, struggling to pretend I had everything all the other girls had. Stealing make-up was a one of my acts of sin, I considered it a necessary evil, since I couldn’t bare the thought of not having at least eyeliner, mascara and hairspray, it was after all the eighties. As if, I could just be natural beauty, but my crazy teeth, giant nose and thick wavy hair meant I looked like a complete natural disaster.

Living in a small wine country town meant some of my friends lived in mansions on multi acre estates and others lived on farms, off old Highway 12. We lived in a tract home, right near the middle class part of town. Not a bad place to land, considering all the places I’d lived throughout my earlier childhood. The first real bedroom of my own, was actually the den in that house.

That part of my life, still makes me feel sad. I look back at a time when I felt trapped by my parents rules and that house was always dark because of my parents work schedule. I was so envious of my friends who had “normal” lives. I’d created a story that everyone had a great life, and so I had to pretend that I did too. I carried out the business of always being upbeat and staying gone as much as possible from the house. For many reasons, some I’ve shared in previous posts, I left home at age seventeen, I was finally free.

It wasn’t long until I learned life wasn’t all that easy on the outside either. Especially because it still seemed like everyone else had it all and things just weren’t that easy for me. I’d always had to work harder than everyone else, I found myself pretending I had a better life than I really did. Truth was I’d forced my boyfriend to move out with me and the relationship was a disaster. My car had broken down and I ended up borrowing my sisters car until I returned it with a small scratch one day and that ended that. I was on foot, a small paycheck at the hair salon job I’d landed, the good life just wasn’t for me.

One day I was heading into work, changing my tennis shoes outside the door, so no one would know, I’d started walking to work since my car broke down. As I stood up, there was the most handsome man I’d ever seen, smiling at me. Truthfully this was a time when it seemed I was getting noticed more often than usual. Perhaps the walking to work and consequently losing seven pounds, made some kind of a difference. A good break up will also do that to a girl, oh yeah, I kicked him to the curb. Actually a story of clairvoyance and guts, written about in a previous post.

The dark haired, scruffy, chiseled man was holding the door for me. I stumbled inside, thanking him awkwardly. I was stunned when he followed me into the awaiting elevator and up to the same floor as my salon upstairs. As we exited the elevator, he watched me walk into work and much to my surprise, he was sitting in my chair the following afternoon. Peter was a deep thinker, different than anyone I’d ever met before. His parents owned the entire mall as it turned out, and the bank and basically half the town of Santa Rosa.

The romance lasted just long enough for my eighteen year old mind to absorb what the good life was like for a real grown adult man who basically can walk into any elevator and get any young girl to practically melt in their hands. You don’t want to fall in love with a guy like that… even though I think I almost did, just because everything seemed so perfect in his world. Truthfully my naive, ridiculous antics were probably hysterically awkward… like the time I lost one of my red Lee press on nails on a picnic and proceeded to try to hide that finger the rest of the day. Talk about being insecure.

On the last night I spent with Pete, he took me to San Francisco. I recall his frustration when he remembered at dinner I wasn’t old enough to drink or go to any bars except the 18 and over ones, which we did and was totally lame. But that night we had the most amazing conversation about life and why some people seem to get everything they want and others just have bad luck. At least that was what I was trying to sell him about my life.

He looked at me and said the reason you have bad luck is because you create it by being envious of others, you turn it into jealousy. He went oh to explain that when you feel envy you have two ways to go, you can let it turn to jealousy. Or, you when you see someone who has something you like and it makes you envious, realize, it’s because it’s something you also want.

He went on to explain, if a person lets envy turn to jealousy then it becomes a negative vibe. Envy should excite you. You could take the fact that they got it, as a sign that it’s also available for you too. Like a pet project, you have to make it happen. You just have to let the envy push you to work harder for it. Turns out that is how his grand father ended up creating a giant retail empire. I get chills thinking how he was raised with people like that in his stratosphere. So, that’s how he ended up sitting in my chair the day after meeting me. He wasn’t just living day to day, he was going after what he really wanted. Pete moved on and ghosted me before that was even a thing. Oh well, people are in your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime right. Clearly I needed him for a reason.

I booked a trip to visit Los Angeles, with my sister a month later. Within three months I’d packed up my car and heading south down HWY 1, I headed out to pursue my dream as an actress and I let the envy lead me to learning what I truly wanted my life to be. I let the journey of desires lead me to seeking tiny joys and simple pleasures every single day.

I walked every morning, danced in my bedroom, journaled, roller bladed, line danced, traveled with Japanese students across the USA for six summers, taught step aerobics at my local YMCA for five years, and as life went on I created a beautiful family with two girls, a successful salon, a second home, a diverse and amazing group of clients, won big money on a national game show and then won big on a national recipe contest, which led to a two year experience cooking with Kraft and Philadelphia Cream Cheese.

These are just a few of the adventures I’ve created by letting envy, push me. I saw someone had it, I wanted it, I got it. I of course worked tremendously hard at manifesting every single one of these things. I devoted all of my energy, kept it focused on how I could achieve what I wanted. Kept my mind focused on the end result I wanted to achieve and the feeling of joy it will bring me. What I didn’t know was what I’d actually done from this young age, was train my RAS, Reticular Activating System in my brain to seek and find those things that struck an emotion of envy in me!

That was not a conversation people would have had back in the late eighties. Certainly not anyone who ran in my circles or even close. The universe has been working cohesively with each and everyone of us throughout our entire lives. It’s called our emotional radar, our heart center is where the feelings flood from. A dream won’t chase you unless you chase it. When you see something that makes your heart skip a beat and you got a chance, take it. Hold on to the feeling as long as often as you can. When you feel a pang of envy, smile, your wheels are turning.

LET go of THE GUILT you’ve carried for ENVYING others, you are finally free to see, it’s just your heart leading you to the bigger things you truly desire and deserve. moni xo