Somewhere along the line, I learned, I wasn’t enough to fulfill my mothers happiness. On top of which I at some point realized, I’d actually been a burden on her and a disgrace to her entire family. I was not the first child born, “Out of wedlock,” but the second, even worse mistake. How could my mother have been so stupid to get herself pregnant, not once, but twice? Surely that’s what the entire family was thinking and maybe even her, at the time. Never the less, I came to believe, I was born under a veil of shame and pain and deep down, the feeling has been with me all my life.

When I was seven, my father left and moved out of state. My mother took up with a new boyfriend and barely had time for my sister and I. Devastated and lost, I remember joining a bible study, it was a school on wheels and felt like I’d found something that finally made sense to me. I felt included in something outside of my regular world. When the pastor said, our lives were meant for a special purpose, this rang like truth to me. I believed I had a purpose too. Somehow there was a knowing inside of me that said, I would somehow find out what my purpose was.

When the Bible school ended, I felt a little lost. Until one day, there were auditions for the school play. It was a narrated version of “Twas The Night Before Christmas,” and I tried out for a role as one of the elves. I remember coming home from school with a letter addressed to my mother. When she read that I’d gotten the role of SANTA CLAUSE, she was so happy. I on the other hand was devastated, I mean not Mrs. Clause…not even an elf…still, it didn’t seem like I had any choice but to shift gears quick. The joy my mother showed that day, made me stuff my own feelings aside almost instantly. She was genuinely surprised and excited for me.

So, there I was, it was opening night, I’m 7 years old, all dressed up as Santa Clause…I roller skated into the auditorium calling out “HO,HO,HO…MERRY CHRISTMAS”…the crowd roared, they loved it. I fell in love with the excitement and seeing my mother cheering for me, made my heart soar. I was someone…I was the lead in the play AND my humorous approach to the role, simply stole the show!

Back home, my heart was breaking, in our broken home. It’s totally insane to think that a little girl, who’s heart was breaking half the time, had barely enough food to eat at home and was always terrified of what was coming next, could feel the joy in that space and somehow tuck it away, to use as a lifeline, for years to come.

Looking back, that’s exactly what I did. I began to give my heart and my humor to everyone I could. Lifting peoples spirits genuinely became my favorite pastime. Random acts of kindness or sharing my lunch with a stranger, were things that gave me the most joy. I got so good at giving, I think I totally turned off RECEIVING, all together. My journey paved with so many beautiful people and experiences, I never noticed, I wasn’t fully letting anything in.

Along the way I’d see glimpses of pure bliss…captured in still moments. Watching a baby, or walking among the trees, would always make me feel like there was something big and magical that I was a part of. Honestly there were days where I was asked if I was some sort of an angel… not trying to brag at all… I’m only saying this, because I’m describing the kind of pure joy I was feeling and exuding in my random interactions somedays.

Through the years and through some really difficult times I had to face, due to low self esteem and failed relationships… these glimpses of my life’s purpose, kept revealing themselves to me. I just didn’t understand that it was joy that was revealing them. I’d ask myself, what was my bliss?… Follow your bliss… my heart would whisper.

When my first real breakthrough came, it was only when I finally understood receiving. It came when I could understand its value was the exact same as giving. For if someone gives and the other denies the offering… there is no receiving and the circle is broken. Therefore in order to give someone MUST ALWAYS receive! Who was I robbing of an opportunity to give, so that their circle could be completed. The answer is, one outside my control and inevitably, my own EGO! Yes, I’m guilty as charged… no, this isn’t the first time I’ve written about this powerful lesson, I was patiently taught, by the brilliant women in my life.

Before I could fully accept this lesson, it would take my whole body to break down, bringing me to my knees, on the shower floor. (you can read this in another blog post I wrote previously) My body had been riddled with shame and repressed pain for so many years, I finally had to shed every belief I had and learn to LET GO.

Since then, I’ve learned even more about the trauma that had been trapped all along, suppressed in my body. I know now that my connective tissues and fascia would reveal a life of joy from acts of service, but one exhausted from quietly suffering alone, never learning to receive.

We’ve all heard the saying, “When you know better, you do better.” I now understand brain science and DNA have uncovered that generational trauma exists as well. So, when I had that vision as a little girl and saw myself doing great things, I believe I was feeling the vibrations of all the amazing strong, courageous women who came before me. Nowadays in my minds eye, much further away from my seven year old self, still… I can see myself standing on their shoulders. They’re lifting me up and calling out to my spirit to keep shining the light for all women.

I know I’m not that frightened little girl anymore. I’m a strong woman who knows that kindness and empathy are her SUPER POWERS. A woman who wants to be an inspiration for women everywhere to heal their own generational wounds and seek the lessons their hearts desire, to grow fully into their own worthiness. I’m here, because of you. You matter, YOU truly DO!

You matter and I do too. There I said it, that little statement here in print for all eyes, who fall upon it to read… those little words will someday be paved into larger highways in my brain. You see, I’ve been learning something new and so profoundly beautiful… I learned more recently, that our brains are always changing and adapting. We can start to pave highways of worthiness and healing and begin to transcend the trauma and be led to a path of pure bliss and eternal happiness.

I’d like to give a very special mention to a beautiful soul, Jamie Kern Lima, for all of her inspiring works. She sent me a signed copy of her incredible memoir “BELIEVE IT” this summer and I can’t tell you how SEEN it made me feel to RECEIVE IT! She wrote inside these words…”Monica, Don’t forget the magic that’s inside of you.” to which I cried for over ten minutes.

Later, I was listening to Jamie speaking in a podcast interview with Ed Mylett on You Tube, when I heard her say. “You can have all the self confidence in the world, but that doesn’t mean you have self WORTH,” I began to cry… I felt like this was pure truth in my spirit. I knew in that instant she was absolutely speaking right to my heart and undoubtedly the hearts of so many others too.

I am just so excited to read her next book “WORTHY.” I know this is the final piece of the puzzle to heal my heart and the hearts of so many. Please join me in reading it, this coming February, when I will invite ALL of my friends to hop on the WORTHY train with me! The book is available now on pre-order and would make an amazing Christmas gift this coming holiday season!

Thank you for taking the time to read this. Please SUBSCRIBE and DON’T hesitate to leave me a hair question on Instagram, where my hair advice is always professional and always free. Moni xo